Evidence illuminates a shocking truth about Santa Claus

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” – Arthur C. Clarke

As a child, I marveled at Santa Claus. The fact that Santa could visit every kid in the world in one night was mind-blowing. I didn’t understand how he could fit presents for millions of kids in his bag, much less how he could hoist said bag over his shoulder. I was amazed that he could fit down our chimney, as our chimney was maybe 18 inches square.

I couldn’t explain any of that. There was really only one answer that made sense to me. Santa Claus was magic.

It was an easy assumption to make because magic makes everything possible. Can’t get a date with that pretty coworker? Cast a spell on her. Tired of being poor? Cast a coin into a wishing well. Need to smite a rival? Go with a voodoo doll. Magic makes all things a reality and that includes Santa Claus.

However, I’m not a little kid anymore and I don’t believe in magic. And when you remove magic from the equation, a rather disturbing but inescapably obvious truth because apparent.

Santa Claus is an extraterrestrial.

I’m not just saying this. There’s plentiful evidence to support my claim. Let me break it down for you.

First of all, let’s consider the fact that Santa can visit millions of houses in the space of one night. That is obviously impossible without the ability to manipulate time. Although I believe Santa’s sleigh is capable of high-velocity flight, it still takes time to deliver gifts to each child. Without the ability to stretch time, Santa would never be able to deliver to all the kids in a town the size of Rexburg in one night, much less all the children in the whole world.

What that means is that Santa has access to some sort of device that allows him to tunnel through time. There is no other way for him to accomplish this task. And since humans don’t have the ability to manipulate time, there is only one place Santa could get that kind of tech: from aliens.

Next, let’s consider Santa’s bag. This bag supposedly holds every gift for every child Santa will visit on his yearly run. And yet, Santa can heft the bag and sling it over his shoulder and get it down chimneys.

There are two probable explanations for Santa’s gift bag. One theory originated in the late 1970s and posits that the bag contain a small device that can condense particle from the air down into any form Santa needs. The device would draw in random particles and arrange them into the form of a dolly, or a bicycle or anything else.

This theory, while extremely simple, is currently falling out of favor due to the discovery of what scientists believe is Santa’s North Pole workshop. Photographs have shown hundreds of little beings moving around the compound, and it is believed that these beings (let’s call them “elves” for lack of a better term) assist Santa in his yearly mission.

To that end, a new theory has arisen suggesting that the elves makes the presents, then send then to a receptacle pad in Santa’s bag via a transporter device. Scientists are confident is this explanation because “it totally works on ‘Star Trek’.”

Many would argue that, if Santa Claus is an alien, then why does he appear human? There are several very viable explanations for that. He could be a member of a humanoid race of extraterrestrials, like the Pleiadeans. These beings are said to stand six to seven feet tall, with blond hair and blue eyes. Sound a bit like Santa Claus to me. And while Santa is rotund and the Nordics are typically very physically fit, that doesn’t destroy the possibility Santa’s one of them. Perhaps it’s really hard to stay on the Pleiadean fitness regimen when you’re living off the home world.

Another possibility is that Santa carries a holographic image projector that makes him appear to be human. Under the projected image, he could be a scaly squid creature, for all we know, but his image projector makes him appear human. This may also explain why he appears to ride around in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.

A third possibility is that Santa is the kind of creature that can shape-shift, like a jolly Christmas werewolf. If he can change his shape into anything, that would help him get down chimneys and gain access to chimney-less buildings like apartments.

This may sound like a load of holly jolly tripe to you, but when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however unlikely, must be the truth. And given the staggering immensity of the universe and the tiny mathematical possibility that we’re the only intelligent species in this cosmos, it becomes much more easy to believe that Santa Claus is of otherworldly origins than that he is a magical holiday elf.

Still, the Christmas season is a season where the seemingly impossible can happen and where magic seems to permeate the air. If there is such a thing as a magic elf who visits millions of children in leaves them gifts in the span of one night, Christmas would be the best time of year to to manifest himself. And at this time of year, perhaps reality isn’t so very important. What you feel in your heart trumps all.